Documenting a Personal Journey Through Life

I don’t know why, but each time I visit my very good friend Nature I get pleasantly surprised about how energy giving it is. I thrive when spending  time outside, especially when surrounded by the beauty of untouched nature. Energy fill me almost instantaneously as I set foot outside. Even after a night of little sleep I can be sure she’ll nurture me back to full energy.

The past weekend (Friday and Saturday) I spent with my fellow colleagues (conference) in the beautiful archipelago of the northern region of Stockholm. It was stunning beyond words. Surrounded by forrests, water and peace it was heaven on earth.

Having spent a sleepless night (due to heavy snorers) I was up very early (4:30) on Saturday and decided to go for a run. I was greeted by a cold morning, the air was crisp and the sun had risen halfway above the horizon, barely penetrating the walls of forrest. It’s 5:30 in the morning.

I couldn’t stop running; just above that next hill I thought to myself. It was liberating. I found strength in nature around me. The beauty kept me running. This is when it hit me. Why aren’t we caring more for this beautiful creation that we’ve had the huge privilege of experiencing? It provides us all with air to breath, paths to walk, scenery to admire, inspiration and so much more. Yet all we can think of is to build more houses, more roads and destroy anything that stand in our way.

Nature nurtures me. Isn’t it time we start caring for her as she’s cared for us?

I have intentionally been avoiding “the news” for a good few years now. In some regards it has been one of my best decisions ever, but at the same time it has also disconnected me from reality. I made the decision because I felt “the news” only ever told bad and horrible stories. Nothing positive at all, zilch, nada. Why would I want to expose myself to that? Each and every day of the year, I’m presented with the same thing over and over again. War here, people die there, and the world is in a generally doom-gloom state. No thanks, that I can do without.

Apparently it works though, people watch it, and continue to watch it. But why? Why does fear and “terror” sell so darn well? What is it about us humans with destruction and despair? Are we really that sad of a race, that all we can think of is how crap everything is? Why couldn’t we look at all the positive things happening around us? Why the focus on all the rut?

I can’t for the life of me understand why we do this. On a more positive note I should be happy this use of fear has not yet gotten hold of the advertising industry, although it seems to be slowly getting there too. Can you imagine? The tube, or the buses, full of articles about terrorism and other sort of propaganda. The entertainment industry has already caught on, especially western society produced entertainment. Think about the majority of computer games, the most popular genre is about killing, destruction, money and general social deviance. Hollywood certainly is not making it any better through their zealously use of their own status as a super power. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but when was the last time you saw a film where the US actually failed, lost or was overpowered? Exactly, didn’t think so.

Hope (by jantik/flickr)

This is by no stretch a reflection of US citizens, not at all, this is a reflection of the western society. We’re so incredibly self-absorbed that we think nothing can become us. It is this attitude of self-absorption that will lead to our, currently, inevitable self-destruction. I don’t mean that as in obliterate, or disappear, but as a knowledge generating and wisdom collecting society.

Just take the term “developing country”. I would want my country to be a “developing” country, much rather than a defined and established country, such as the western countries because clearly we’ve already reached our most prominent position, nothing else to do, right? Done for the day? Or why not find an excuse to destroy the lives of another country why don’t we?

Riiiight. All that we thinkers can do is watch the world around us speed by as more and more jobs are “off-shored”, out-sourced and moved to countries which are much more productive for a tenth of the cost. It’s no surprise really. When you can get highly educated, motivated and determined workforce, why wouldn’t you get it? Okay, I’m beginning to rant here but the point I’m trying to make is that we have to expand our perspective, see the bigger picture. We have to let go of the ego-centric view that portraits our own lives as more meaningful than others.

I’m saying that this would be the ideal situation. For now I would actually argue that my life is more important than others, and I’m not shy of admitting that. Mindless drones that keep on doing exactly what society tells them to, I couldn’t care less. But those that have broken free from their shackles of the mental prison that society is, and can see it for what it is, those I do care for. I do believe that there is an elite amongst us, those that will carry society forward in a meaningful and purposeful way. Maybe the drones do have a purpose, but I can’t really see it.

Ops, got a little bit carried away there, guess I needed to get that said, not judging, just typing. The news. Today I spent a few moments devouring the local news for Sweden and I was met only with problems and issues, no solutions. This is so typical and reflects the general consensus that producing solutions are a lot harder than stating facts and making clear the problems. But seriously, is it really that difficult to look for the good news?

Should I be grateful for having to plough through 15 minutes of crap and then be happy I got 1 minute of positive news? Like the story about the little girl that found her lost teddy? Oh, great, thanks, that really made my day… NOT. But it’s what they always do, end with that little heart warming story to get us all to sigh in relief that the world really isn’t that dark and scary after all, after all she did get her teddy back. Then back to the quarry silently reflecting on the life that could be, if we only dared to do something about it. Terror, murder, dying, car crashes, chaos. No, be gone you horrible thoughts of freedom, I better let words of my government dictate my life as they seem to know better than myself what is good for me. I surrender my life, for the “safety” you bring, thank you government.

I’m searching for the words to express my anger with this apathy that seem to be permeating most people. How can we change? Will we change?

Mindless drones are nothing but a reflection of our society. It is our failure to infuse each other with hope, courage and compassion to ensure resonance and harmony amongst all living beings. We need to understand that we’re all connected through the very fabric of nature. Each action, each emotion emanating from ourselves will give rise to ripples of consequences. Being aware, appreciating the ripples of consequences will lead to a greater understanding of ourselves and those around us.

I watched the news today. What’s wrong with us?

For some reason I’ve hesitated writing about this topic, because I’ve felt, well, intimidated or something. In previous posts I’ve hinted, ever so slightly, at having a more ambitious dream than finding a guiding purpose. Perhaps that thing is my guiding purpose? I really don’t know. Any way, I’ll just blurt it out here instead of sitting here typing, erasing, typing… trying to make it sound amazing.

I want to unite thinkers across the globe, to enable the collective power of thought to solve our most eminent and difficult problems. The basic premise behind the idea is to have a portal where problems are shared, worked on, brainstormed, solved … collectively. Today we have universities working on similar problems or doing the same research, but have no effective way of sharing information with each other. There’s no easy way to collaborate.

My solution, which I for now choose to call (for lack of a better description) ‘Communal Collaboration for Distributed Thinking’. It sounds all fancy schmancy, but it’s really nothing spectacular. It’s a way to distributively do problem-solving, amongst a large group of people. My dream would be to have this not only apply to problem-solving but also innovation. I genuinely believe that society will never prosper unless we start acting as connected individuals. Thinking individually is fine, but we need to make the intelligent decision to consciously move towards a thinking where the society as a whole is considered, not only the benefits to one particular individual.

For those of you who have seen Star Trek you might be familiar with the Borgs. They have a superior way of assimilate and distribute the knowledge. Each borg is connected in a big mesh network and information is immediately shared amongst all peers. Each borg is capable of acting upon their own impulses and do their own thinking, but everything is shared with the rest of the hive.

Clearly, I wouldn’t want all human thought to be part of my own thinking, but the idea of sharing knowledge and wisdom without restriction very much appeals to me. A real world scenario of what results this could potentially yield is a natural catastrophe. At almost any such even people are forced to work together and the results are outright amazing. It would seem as if nothing is insurmountable when it comes to collective processing. The scientific community also have this very much ingrained. You share your research because claim to fame here is through your work and the knowledge your share, not how much money you can generate from it.

There is however a problem in reaching this ideal state of mind; ego. Most people are hesitant of sharing, what they consider are their best, ideas because they want to monetize them. Trust me, I’m no better, but I want to change this. I believe there to be no easy way to achieve this, but I would imagine that the first step has to be all about overcoming the way of thinking that ideas must always be monetized. The truth is that most ideas are never communicated to the public in fear of loosing out on it’s money generating effects. These ideas are never acted upon, what a waste!

Instead of encouraging and rewarding knowledge hoarding, we must instead encourages and rewards sharing. This is possible and it’s already happening in the software world where the Open Source movement is making headway in exactly this way, through sharing. Yet there are ample opportunities to make money and a thriving business supporting it exists through various efforts. And it’s all about sharing. To gain popularity you have to give away more, and you’ll generally receive more, it’s that simple.

This is why I have begun building on my portal that I intend on bringing to the world. I’ve started sketching on the blueprint for the architecture, writing documents to describe the idea. In due time I will share with you this whole, to me, very exciting idea. If you already feel this is something that appeals to you, please, let me know and I’d be happy to share with you the idea and everything that I have to say about it.

Whether this is something that can generate money or not, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if it could even support me partially it would be fantastic and if not, tough.

Warning: This is a somewhat long post, (t)read carefully!

Throughout my teens I was more often alone than with friends, not necessarily in a bad way, but still, I was often doing things on my own. A few of these “early” friends remained throughout my later teens, but after finishing school (upper secondary) that number seemed to rapidly diminish. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some regards I feel as if I should have made a much more serious attempt at keeping them, but … I didn’t.

A few years into the future, after having attempted my luck as an actor/model in the US (haha, no, it didn’t work out, but more about that another time). I came back to Sweden and decided to try and rectify my lousy grades. A year later I had managed to improve them enough to get into uni. That lasted a year, with a successfully completed course in java-programming. I did choose this university because I had some “old” friends down here. I was thrilled to study because I would be able to hang out with them. They were already a few years into their studies as I had been to the US and then “lost” one year improving my grades.

Unfortunately I never managed to “induce” the same feeling I had during my earlier years with them. It was as if we’d already grown apart, yet again I felt the strong sensation I should make more of an effort. I did, and continued even after eventually leaving my failed attempt at attending university. The effort however was only one way, never reciprocated. Another year went by and having decided to leave my then very uninspiring job, Johanna and I went to the deep jungle of Costa Rica. During this trip I finally decided to put the remaining friendships into the fire of transformation.

Bestfriends

I broke up with those I had for a long time considered friends. The result was a long email to those I still cared enough for to let them know about my decision. The idea was that you would break up with a partner, so why not friends? It was met with surprised, anger and even understanding. It felt good. I have many times questioned the decision, but it still remains firm within me as the correct decision. In order to make room for new you have to leave the old behind they say. I find that actually applies. I have however not managed to make any new friends.

Sure I’ve got colleagues at work, and I can chat with them. But it’s not like we’re hanging out after work hours, not at all. It’s a probably a very typical work-kind-of relationship. Lately I’ve begun to wonder whether I’m a bit too weird for people to handle. I do not conform to the ideals of society. Okay, that’s not entirely true as I still live a life which on the outside may very much look like a normal life. Inside however I’m struggling with coping in this extremely superficial and shallow world. I can’t help but wonder though, will I ever make any real friends that share my quirky perspective?

For quite some years now I’ve been a solo creature, besides my beautiful girlfriend. To a certain extent I enjoy my solitude, free from social contracts and what not. Yet I long for deeper and more meaningful friendships for all that they are supposed to be. Someone but your partner to share stories with, to rely on, and cry with. It’s been a very long time since I had a close friend. Someone who would know all my inner secrets. Perhaps this does not exist, but I wouldn’t mind having such a friend, or two.

I’m not entirely sure how I would define friendship, but after having spent a good amount of years primarily alone (again beside my darling girlfriend) I’m starting to crave more social interaction. But I don’t want it just for the sake of it. It needs to mean something, to bring something beside comfort. Perhaps it’s just supposed to be laughter, I don’t know. What I don’t want is the expectation of now having to socialize all the time. I needs to be a non-binding kind of thing. No expectations kind of thing.

Perhaps I’m doomed to be alone? I don’t think so really, certainly hope not. I could make friends if I wanted to. It’s not like I can adapt to pretty much any social situation, and I’m great at that. I just can’t bare to do it because it feels pointless and non authentic. I don’t want any conversation to begin with. How was your weekend? Nice party eh? Oh, great weather by the way.

A lasting friendship

I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than having to share those awkward, completely useless, conversations with anyone. I would want every conversation, okay, almost every conversation, to stimulate and provoke thoughts and ideas. An influx of new thinking. It might be too much to ask, but if that’s true, I guess I’m not ready to have friends. I want to maximize my time and waste as little as possible of it. Having friends that just want social interaction and nothing else will be much better served by not knowing me and I them.

Harsh? Perhaps. True? Yes, at least for me. Mostly this all stems from the fact that I’m tired of wasting my time. I want my life to be defined by meaning and purpose, not by the amount of friends I have on my Facebook or Twitter-list. I’m not saying friends are pointless, not at all. I’m just trying to find out what a friend means to me. Of course I would love to share laughter with a group of friends. But it would need to be a friendship based on mutual “usefulness”. I know how that sounds. Terrible, I know. But why the hell not? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to put demands on the people I socialize with?

Just like I wouldn’t pick any job, why should I choose friends as if they were disposable and easily replaced by another? No. I very much prefer quality over quantity. Currently this is not working to my benefit (seeing as I have no friends that I regularly socialize with), but then so be it. Friends or no friends. If having them meant it was only based out of social conditioning, I’d rather have none.

I’d rather have one genuine and true friendship than a thousand with no authenticity.

Today I’m having one of those days when motivation and excitement seem to be wearing off. It’s not a fun feeling at all. The good thing is that I’ve recognized the feeling. I’ve been here many times before. This time however I intend on writing down my emotional and mental state, and commit to not giving up. Generally this is the time where I begin to let things slide. Just another day, what difference does it make? Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months…

I have serious issues committing to stuff especially if it is something that I want personally. Whenever it’s for someone but myself I seem to pull through, despite having no motivation. I can’t make other people disappointed in me now can I? But making myself disappointed is apparently nothing I have issues with. Funny that. To be honest, it’s probably due to lack of self-confidence. For a long time I’ve always yearned for external verification of myself. Seeking approval from others. If others approve of my actions and doing, it must be good and hence I must be good.

It’s silly I know, trust me, I know. The hard part is letting go of that mindset. Especially in a society which so highly values external accomplishments more than internal. External such as career, possessions and looks. While internal things such as emotional intelligence, wisdom, knowledge and personal development are shrugged at. Breaking free, allowing oneself to be imperfect is easier said than done. I’ve tried. I spent four months in the deep jungle of Costa Rica where I discovered my desire and/or need for external approval. I vowed to not allow the judgement of others affect me. Yet back in Sweden it didn’t take long before I was yet again seeking approval by those around me, rather than accepting myself for who I am.

Society has a tendency to really cloud ones vision of what truly matters. Personal development can’t be capitalized on as much as fancy cars and cloths. True and authentic development is not granted a lot of space in society. We’re nothing but slaves when it comes down to it. Prostituting ourselves to the highest bidder. It sickens me. Yet I’m part of it and can’t find the strength to escape. I’m happy with the security I have. A good job, great colleagues and a decent salary. I have a house in a beautiful, stunning location. I want to live here. But without my job I couldn’t afford it. I need to transition to something authentic. But what can I provide? What value can I bring to others?

All I want to do is read, learn and share knowledge and wisdom. But how could I possibly derive some sort of income from that and more importantly, how could I make others benefit from my own learning. What could I share that would bring other people but myself value? These are tough questions with no simple and apparent answer. On top of this I have to deal with self-professed experts that overnight became personal coaches and so forth. All because they can throw a couple of useless sentences on a web page. Weee, look at me, 10 easy steps to an awesome life. And on it goes. Guess I could choose to ignore it, but sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the noise in search for the gold.

I’m not really bitter. Perhaps I’m jealous? I don’t think so. It’s probably more sadness than anything. I’m sad that so many people buy into it all. I’ve read many blogs, and have only recently began reading some self-help books. Most of the blogs I’ve read just keep on repeating what others have said before them without even adding a shroud of personality to them. Steve Pavlina is probably the one I feel most connected to. He’s been a programmer, coming from a more logical and analytical perspective but have transitioned from that into who he is today. He’s also vegan (actually he’s raw I think).

His book, which I’m currently reading, have brought mixed emotions. I’m getting towards the end of the book and it’s gotten a lot better. Probably because it’s actually more practically oriented now. All those abstract terms such as communion, oneness, courage and so forth have been translated into actionable items, which for me is much more useful. Still, it has not provided me with all the answers and I guess I shouldn’t really expect that either.

Well, that will have to be enough for today. It’s time for dinner and such. But hopefully by writing this down I’ve committed to continuing blogging, writing and learning and not allowing my self-doubt get the upper hand.

With love,
Christoffer

There I was on my way to the train station from work after yet another day of labour. While walking back it struck me that perhaps I’m approaching this whole guiding life purpose from the wrong angle. My usual approach in understanding things is to break them down into more manageable components. This has worked fairly well… actually, maybe not but sometimes it works well. Perhaps I should first begin with a simple experiment that require very little effort and action, but could potentially bring some powerful results. I don’t know, but have decided to try.

I’ve been trying to figure out my purpose without actually thinking about the context in which I want to apply the purpose. I’m lacking the reference frame. Today I thought that I should attempt to imagine my ideal life. How would I like to wake up? How would I like to approach my day? What would be my ideal routines and habits?

Pixie dream (mehmeturgut/devitantART)

As a wildly crazy and imaginative guy this is not all that strange to me, I’ve often drifted off into the far-away-land of dreams. What I’ve never consciously done before however is to dream about a life that I actually want to live. I don’t mean the kind of life where you walk around in a robe surrounded with bunnies, but a more authentic and real life. A life not rooted, or derived, from already existing societal ideals such as a shallow career driven by something that really doesn’t matter. (Sure, maybe some actually strive for that life, good for them, but I don’t.) I mean a life where I feel my desires are fulfilled and where genuine and authentic happiness is part of my daily routine.

Even from a scientific perspective this makes sense, even though I couldn’t even begin to explain the chemicals involved or their composition, but still. The content of our mind is a result of our own conscious construction. We choose what goes in and stays there. We give our thoughts meaning. We decide how to approach any given situation. I have mentioned in a previous post about the power of association which I find applies particularly well in this scenario. Associations in my mind are mine to create, no one else can do that. (Even though they can obviously influence me!)

Actually, I’m not even sure why I brought up the science here, it makes no sense, disregard. I’ll try and figure that out later, assuming this helps me, how science plays a part here I mean. Why would it help me to imagine an ideal life? How could that be explained through science? Maybe it can’t?

This is how I imagine my ideal life

I’m in love with learning and understanding how things function. When I began writing this blog I kind of already knew that reading and learning was a big part of me. But it was only when I started writing things down that it occurred to me how incredibly sexy learning is. Intellectual stimuli is pretty darn high up on the list of awesome things. Hence, my ideal life would be filled with books and opportunities to learn about anything and everything. Sure, I have that now too, but on a much more limited scale. I mean to be literally paid to learn and share.

My hours would not be determined by anyone but me. I would be the sole determinator (awesome word!) in how my day would be spent. From the moment I wake up, to the moment I fall asleep should only be determined by choices I make alone, period.

I would want to share everything that I learn and hopefully inspire others to do the same. One of my most ambitious and long term goal would be to ‘advance’ the human race to a higher level of thinking. A time where communal knowledge generation is valued much more than individual knowledge hoarding. Sharing would be key in my society. Wisdom would be paramount.

The people around me would themselves be driven, engaging and full of ideas. A constant influx of new, fresh thinking should permeate my entire life. Together with my closet friends (I currently have none I would consider my close friend) we would create, innovate and drive society forward in a meaningful manner that benefits not just us, but everyone.

(Hey, this is my ideal life, so… I can do this!)

Then I would want to be able to leave, travel at any time when the mood strikes. To create, to express my emotions through music (I play the Piano, perhaps I should compose some music and upload?). To finally unwrap the drawing kit I got for x-mas a few years ago. To be able to do all those things I long for. A life without boundaries, only those I myself impose. To live like the earth. Constantly moving, constantly changing, evolving… living.

I do not wish to be trapped in this invisible cage. I want to break free from these chains. I need to.

At work the other day I was faced with what seemed like an insurmountable amount of tasks. Having read about brainstorming many times before, I had never quite been able to use it. I thought that this would be an excellent opportunity to just brainstorm down all the tasks, and their related subtasks. So, I tried. I began and allowed myself to roam freely with the pen on the paper. I managed to produce three A4 pages full with tasks and related activities. It felt kind of good. What had been previously kept in a normal text file on my computer in no particular order, was actually now in some sort of order with actionable items surrounding them.

Yeah, planning and organisation have never quite been part of my skill set, but it’s something that I’m trying to improve. This little exercise, forced upon me, got me thinking. So far I’ve not come any closer to my finding or creating my guiding purpose. But, what if I tried and brainstorm my life? It would be a simple exercise really. Put myself in the middle, and start by branching out some of, what I would consider, skills. I’ve not yet done this but I can imagine where it would lead.

Reading and learning, music and creativity, writing and sharing, programming and thinking, early mornings and exercise, yoga and meditation, kissing and hugging (my Johanna, oh and Pixie our dog, but perhaps only hugs there!), loving and caring. On it goes. I will do this tomorrow, I’m excited. This will be my task. To brainstorm my life, ideal or current, it doesn’t really matter. The purpose would be to just get it out there and letting it flow freely. It would seem rather logical that from that brainstorm session I could garner quite a lot of useful information about myself. Perhaps it could even be used for finding, or creating, a guiding purpose?

Today becomes yesterday and yesterday was once tomorrow. But I don’t care, I welcome each day as if it was any other day filled with opportunities to learn and experience.

Bonjour,

Last Monday I wrote about my progress for finding a guiding purpose in life. If you read it you might remember that I said I’m trying to establish a framework which will provide me with the scaffolding for understanding myself. I wanted to take a moment just to explain what it is that I’m talking about. Perhaps you’ll find it useful.

With any construction, be it a house, a web-page or some IKEA furniture you will be required to have a basic understanding of the tools at your disposal. You’ll have to understand the blueprint, which pieces fit together and which do not. A hammer may work in some instances, but we also require more delicate tools.

To make this a little bit less abstract. My mind is a collection of tools that I have at my disposal. I can choose to use my logical reasoning for solving problems or perhaps my analytical perspective. Sometimes I will have to be rational, other times I might be required to be irrational. Had this been an IKEA furniture piece I would have had a carefully written blueprint for how everything fits together, when I should do what and when to achieve my goal of putting that damned thing together.

The body

Life unfortunately does not come with a blueprint, no matter how much some people would try and have us believe the opposite. Buy this for happiness, and acquire this for a great relationship and on it goes. Even though life does not come with a manual, there are certain things I can do to deepen the understanding of myself. In our ever going quest for knowledge we have begun to understand the composition of the mind. I would even dare to say that we have a pretty darn good idea of the components of our bodies and minds.

Unfortunately we’ve got a long road ahead of us in understanding how all the pieces fit together and affect each other. This is something we definitely do not yet know. Even the most basic and fundamental things such as nutrition, we can’t say with absolute certainty how it affects us, how something is metabolised and absorbed by our bodies. I’m not saying that we’re clueless, but if we were certain I’m confident that we wouldn’t have health problems, diets, pills and so forth.

My framework. I should talk about my framework. Right, so. I’m not entirely sure yet what it means exactly, but I’ll try and describe it. What I’m trying to establish is what our basic core components are and how they fit together. The building blocks that we’ve been built with. It’s ambitious and perhaps futile, but I love it. The seeking, the trying and mystique surrounding it. A basic component is something that I consider, hmm, a unit. For example an emotion, joy. How does this affect our cognition? What parts should be combined in order to achieve the maximum and most efficient results? When should they be applied?

I’m hoping that through a deeper understanding of these components I can improve the chances of understanding myself. How I react to input, experiences and even how I will use the outcome of these events in the future. One might argue that I’m leaving nothing to the supernatural, or metaphysical. I guess that would be a correct assessment. But I choose to begin here, because it will be much easier to relate to. Metaphysics is much more theoretical and difficult to work with because you have only your thoughts and imagination as guidance. It quickly gets complicated and it’s why I’ve decided to focus a little bit more on the tangible world.

I do have every intention of eventually venturing into other dimensions and see what truths they might hold. Even in String Theory they leave room for more dimensions than those observable. To say that we would someone be excluded from them would be foolish. Astral projection, out-of-body experiences might all be related to this, but currently I need to stick with one thing and work my way from there.

I realise as I wrote this that it hasn’t become exactly clear what I mean with framework, but hopefully it will become more clear over time.

Again, thanks for taking your time to read and if you’ve got anything to share, by all means, do!

/ Christoffer

PS: If you happen to read my post yesterday (Tuesday). No need to worry, I’m fine. I might have some slight bi-polar disorder or something :-) I’m still confused, conflicted, but my anger has subsided. Frustration is still there, but not so much of myself, but the lacking of interest from fellow humans. People have succumbed to media, consumerism and no thoughts as to how it affects the future. That I find frustrating.

There are a lot of things I would like to say right now. I can’t quite figure out how to begin. So much to learn, so much to understand. It’s overwhelming. I also feel I’ve been trying to hard. Trying to hard to appeal to my readers, despite saying I was writing this for myself. In some sense I’ve disregarded my very purpose of this blog, all in an attempt to appear authoritative and knowledgeable. Fact is, I’m neither. I certainly want to be, but right now I’m not.

It’s like a sincerity struggle. I’m afraid of showing the world who I really am. A lost soul. Someone who really have no idea of where to go and what to do next. I find comfort in reading about science, because it gives me an excuse to not look at my core. Instead I abstract away details into components, as to avoid having to deal with the bigger picture.

A cell is harmless. But the combination of cells, my body, my mind. That’s scary to try and understand. It doesn’t really matter how it’s composed, I’ve still got all these conflicting feelings inside of me, that I can’t seem to let out. I do crave a deeper understanding of myself, and I can’t leave myself to the abstract terminology “self-helpers” tend to use. Truth and love this. Honesty and sincerity that. Oneness, wholeness, soul and blah blah blah… It’s too abstract. It doesn’t help me. People keep repeating it, each time with different meaning.

I’m angry. Frustrated and confused. Why is it so difficult? I want to cry. I’m crying. It’s liberating, I like my tears. I really am crying. Not loudly, but still. I want to be genuinely happy. Not through monetary gains, not through external verification of my being. I want to be happy when viewed through my own eyes, or when staring at myself through a mirror.

I want to write. I want to learn. I want to share with you the wonderful world. But I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to put the words in to coherent, honest sentences. I don’t want to be the person that claims to be something I’m not. Yet that’s what I’m already doing. I want to write as if it was me speaking to you, as a friend. Not as a teacher. How can I do this? How can I make neuroscience interesting for others? How can I make this my life. How can I have abundance in life, through this? Would anyone read it? Why would they bother?

I’m conflicted. I’m hungry… I need to eat. I’m lost for words. Please forgive me.

Hello fellow peeps of the Internets!

I continue to avoid writing the follow up brain article, but not because I don’t want to, but because I feel there is so much else to share. Anyway. I thought it was about time I wrote down a few words on my progress so far. While I’ve only been “officially” on this journey for a mere two weeks, I feel things have already changed. It’s funny really. While I have not yet found my guiding purpose, I’ve managed to boost other areas of my life somehow. Not quite sure where that came from. Regardless, the result is that I’ve introduced a few (in my opinion) significant changes to my life which I hope will only improve my situation.

1. Rising early
2. Exercise

The rising early part has so far exceeded my expectations. I decided to try it because people have been raving about early mornings for quite a while, I’m sure you’ve heard about them. I wasn’t sure whether this was because it was cool to be an early riser or whether it actually was good. I thought creativity at night was my way of life, but honestly, now I’d say it’s the opposite.

For two weeks I’ve been getting up around 5 am in the morning, immediately going for a 30-40 minute walk around our peninsula where we live. After coming back I do about 10 minutes of yoga to stretch and welcome the day. The combination of these two changes have significantly altered the course of my day. I no longer rise because I have work waiting, but because I’ve got fun things to do such as writing and learning.

These two, arguably, simple changes have had quite the impact on me, and this is in only two weeks. I’m more alert and have more mental clarity, even though my energy levels do dip every now and then. I believe this not to be related to the new routines, but rather me not having good enough discipline to actually eat before I get tired, but only when my stomach has turned in-side-out. That’s another thing on my “agenda” for change. To start preparing and planning my meals a bit better. Luckily I’ve got an attentive and caring girlfriend that really wants me to be the best and she has a keen sense of when I should eat. Good that someone does!

Future and the Time to Come

I’ve done quite a bit of reading these past two weeks, more than I ever have done before in such a short amount of time. One might think I’ve read about personal development and other self-help resources, but I’ve gone completely geeky here. I’m trying to understand the composition of our brain, cognitive abilities etcetera. I felt it would be the intelligent thing to do. I guess my intention with that is to try and establish some sort of framework which I can use to develop my own purposes and goals at the same time as I satisfy my logical and analytical self which needs “proof” for everything.

Currently I’m doing research on primary emotions, and how they relate to our cognitive systems. I’m actually planning on writing a longer article about what I call, “Primal Abilities – A Framework for Personal Development”. This will, I hope, become my foundation from where I launch into a deeper understanding of myself. In order to not waste time analysing things that I cannot change I need to learn what parts of me are genetically coded. Also understanding the function of the mind will make it easier to avoid trapping myself into self doubt thinking there is something that I can’t change.

I know much of this knowledge already exists out there on teh Interwebz, but the problem is not finding it, it’s correlating it and intelligently extracting meaning and what is relevant to what I’m trying to achieve. I admire the mission of Google, but now if only someone could create a service to make all this available information useful. How about a contextual based search engine? Feed it some text, and have it provide you with pages that have the same type of content. I.e. it can make deductions from a particular set of information and provide new information that is similar to what you provided in the first place. That would be neat.

Oh, I almost forgot. While on my way to work the other day I realised that I’m very much a philosopher, a scientific philosopher. I would love to read, write and just spend all my waken hours devouring knowledge and attempt to provide my take on it all. That would be fantastic. I should also admit that I do wish that writing this blog could hopefully someday provide me with some sort of platform to launch me into this “ideal” path of life. But one thing at a time. Tomorrow is a new day, waiting to happen and bring me new challenges and wisdom. Wonder what I will learn tomorrow. It’s exciting.

/ Christoffer