A Troubled Day – Honesty and Truth

There are a lot of things I would like to say right now. I can’t quite figure out how to begin. So much to learn, so much to understand. It’s overwhelming. I also feel I’ve been trying to hard. Trying to hard to appeal to my readers, despite saying I was writing this for myself. In some sense I’ve disregarded my very purpose of this blog, all in an attempt to appear authoritative and knowledgeable. Fact is, I’m neither. I certainly want to be, but right now I’m not.

It’s like a sincerity struggle. I’m afraid of showing the world who I really am. A lost soul. Someone who really have no idea of where to go and what to do next. I find comfort in reading about science, because it gives me an excuse to not look at my core. Instead I abstract away details into components, as to avoid having to deal with the bigger picture.

A cell is harmless. But the combination of cells, my body, my mind. That’s scary to try and understand. It doesn’t really matter how it’s composed, I’ve still got all these conflicting feelings inside of me, that I can’t seem to let out. I do crave a deeper understanding of myself, and I can’t leave myself to the abstract terminology “self-helpers” tend to use. Truth and love this. Honesty and sincerity that. Oneness, wholeness, soul and blah blah blah… It’s too abstract. It doesn’t help me. People keep repeating it, each time with different meaning.

I’m angry. Frustrated and confused. Why is it so difficult? I want to cry. I’m crying. It’s liberating, I like my tears. I really am crying. Not loudly, but still. I want to be genuinely happy. Not through monetary gains, not through external verification of my being. I want to be happy when viewed through my own eyes, or when staring at myself through a mirror.

I want to write. I want to learn. I want to share with you the wonderful world. But I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to put the words in to coherent, honest sentences. I don’t want to be the person that claims to be something I’m not. Yet that’s what I’m already doing. I want to write as if it was me speaking to you, as a friend. Not as a teacher. How can I do this? How can I make neuroscience interesting for others? How can I make this my life. How can I have abundance in life, through this? Would anyone read it? Why would they bother?

I’m conflicted. I’m hungry… I need to eat. I’m lost for words. Please forgive me.