What is Friendship?

Warning: This is a somewhat long post, (t)read carefully!

Throughout my teens I was more often alone than with friends, not necessarily in a bad way, but still, I was often doing things on my own. A few of these “early” friends remained throughout my later teens, but after finishing school (upper secondary) that number seemed to rapidly diminish. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some regards I feel as if I should have made a much more serious attempt at keeping them, but … I didn’t.

A few years into the future, after having attempted my luck as an actor/model in the US (haha, no, it didn’t work out, but more about that another time). I came back to Sweden and decided to try and rectify my lousy grades. A year later I had managed to improve them enough to get into uni. That lasted a year, with a successfully completed course in java-programming. I did choose this university because I had some “old” friends down here. I was thrilled to study because I would be able to hang out with them. They were already a few years into their studies as I had been to the US and then “lost” one year improving my grades.

Unfortunately I never managed to “induce” the same feeling I had during my earlier years with them. It was as if we’d already grown apart, yet again I felt the strong sensation I should make more of an effort. I did, and continued even after eventually leaving my failed attempt at attending university. The effort however was only one way, never reciprocated. Another year went by and having decided to leave my then very uninspiring job, Johanna and I went to the deep jungle of Costa Rica. During this trip I finally decided to put the remaining friendships into the fire of transformation.

Bestfriends

I broke up with those I had for a long time considered friends. The result was a long email to those I still cared enough for to let them know about my decision. The idea was that you would break up with a partner, so why not friends? It was met with surprised, anger and even understanding. It felt good. I have many times questioned the decision, but it still remains firm within me as the correct decision. In order to make room for new you have to leave the old behind they say. I find that actually applies. I have however not managed to make any new friends.

Sure I’ve got colleagues at work, and I can chat with them. But it’s not like we’re hanging out after work hours, not at all. It’s a probably a very typical work-kind-of relationship. Lately I’ve begun to wonder whether I’m a bit too weird for people to handle. I do not conform to the ideals of society. Okay, that’s not entirely true as I still live a life which on the outside may very much look like a normal life. Inside however I’m struggling with coping in this extremely superficial and shallow world. I can’t help but wonder though, will I ever make any real friends that share my quirky perspective?

For quite some years now I’ve been a solo creature, besides my beautiful girlfriend. To a certain extent I enjoy my solitude, free from social contracts and what not. Yet I long for deeper and more meaningful friendships for all that they are supposed to be. Someone but your partner to share stories with, to rely on, and cry with. It’s been a very long time since I had a close friend. Someone who would know all my inner secrets. Perhaps this does not exist, but I wouldn’t mind having such a friend, or two.

I’m not entirely sure how I would define friendship, but after having spent a good amount of years primarily alone (again beside my darling girlfriend) I’m starting to crave more social interaction. But I don’t want it just for the sake of it. It needs to mean something, to bring something beside comfort. Perhaps it’s just supposed to be laughter, I don’t know. What I don’t want is the expectation of now having to socialize all the time. I needs to be a non-binding kind of thing. No expectations kind of thing.

Perhaps I’m doomed to be alone? I don’t think so really, certainly hope not. I could make friends if I wanted to. It’s not like I can adapt to pretty much any social situation, and I’m great at that. I just can’t bare to do it because it feels pointless and non authentic. I don’t want any conversation to begin with. How was your weekend? Nice party eh? Oh, great weather by the way.

A lasting friendship

I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than having to share those awkward, completely useless, conversations with anyone. I would want every conversation, okay, almost every conversation, to stimulate and provoke thoughts and ideas. An influx of new thinking. It might be too much to ask, but if that’s true, I guess I’m not ready to have friends. I want to maximize my time and waste as little as possible of it. Having friends that just want social interaction and nothing else will be much better served by not knowing me and I them.

Harsh? Perhaps. True? Yes, at least for me. Mostly this all stems from the fact that I’m tired of wasting my time. I want my life to be defined by meaning and purpose, not by the amount of friends I have on my Facebook or Twitter-list. I’m not saying friends are pointless, not at all. I’m just trying to find out what a friend means to me. Of course I would love to share laughter with a group of friends. But it would need to be a friendship based on mutual “usefulness”. I know how that sounds. Terrible, I know. But why the hell not? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to put demands on the people I socialize with?

Just like I wouldn’t pick any job, why should I choose friends as if they were disposable and easily replaced by another? No. I very much prefer quality over quantity. Currently this is not working to my benefit (seeing as I have no friends that I regularly socialize with), but then so be it. Friends or no friends. If having them meant it was only based out of social conditioning, I’d rather have none.

I’d rather have one genuine and true friendship than a thousand with no authenticity.