Documenting a Personal Journey Through Life

This morning I managed to reach a personal goal in my physical strength domain. One month and 12 days ago I set out to improve my physical strength. I did this for a couple of reasons: a little bit of vanity and more importantly because I’m deskbound behind a computer screen pretty much all day long. As you might understand it’s not exactly physically draining to type on a keyboard. Over the years my back have been come increasingly bad and if I don’t do anything about it now I’ll be screwed when I get a bit older. I’d prefer to avoid that thank you very much.

Then and Now

42 days ago I could barely manage a meager 20 push-ups, today I managed to push through on to 50! Yes, I’m proud of myself, and I’m not shy of admitting that. For the first time, in … probably ever, have I stuck with something, continued through the shitty days and the good days, not once giving up. Why did I manage to follow-through this time? Honestly, I don’t really know. I think it might be related to all the introspection work I’ve been doing over the last year or so. I’ve thoroughly analysed myself to try and understand who I am and what I want from life. Achieving goals have never really been part of that and when I’ve tried I’ve given up at the slightest bit of resistance.

The lesson

Over the last couple of months I’ve learnt two very important things that have allowed me to build momentum and motivation. Patience and perseverance. These have been key to unlocking my potential and it sounds cliché, but, patience is a virtue. I’ve said to myself that it’s okay if I don’t notice results immediately. I’ve told myself that no matter how hard I try, results will eventually show up… it’s almost impossible for your body to actually become weaker.

While patience may be one aspect of reaching a goal, perseverance is another. There have been days when I’ve felt like total shit, barely wanting to get out of bed. I guess self-dicipline is also involved, but anyway. This morning I felt rather ill after coming back from my morning walk. Screw it I thought, let’s do it tonight instead. But, as quickly as I tried to dismiss my morning workout I said, screw that… do it now, not matter how bad you’ll be. Well, the rest is history.

Perseverance (I like the word, even the look of it) has really, and perhaps obviously, helped me to reach some of my goals. I’m quite excited to see what things will look like in a year from now.

About one month ago I decided to undertake yet another 30-day trial. The first one, getting up crazy early (4:45 am), went splendid. August went fantastic and I think I only slip once by about 15 minutes. During September I slipped back into old routines a couple of times but overall I’m very pleased with the results. It has gotten a lot tougher now since the sun is no longer there to greet me in the morning. The cure? A sun-rise simulator alarm clock. Just bought, not collected yet, but on Sunday I will have my first experience with it. Will report back what it’s like to use.

Anyway, I didn’t really want to talk about the getting up early trial, but rather my push-up trial. I completed the first 30 days yesterday and I’m very excited about the results. While I can’t really say that I’ve visually changed all that much the results speak for themselves.

The schedule

The schedule was pretty simple. Get up, early in the morning, go for a semi-long walk (around 30 minutes), come back (obviously), do a salute to the sun yoga session then push-ups. I wanted to always do maximum amount of push-ups and I had planned to do three sets and in each set do the maximum amount I could muster. Oh, I just remembered, I did this every other day, so one day rest in between.

The first round of push-ups were rather disappointing. I managed to complete two sets, and in the first set I did 16 push-ups, and 4 in the second, none in the third. However , I’m happy to report that after one month of consistently doing push-ups I can now do about 1:26, 2:10, 3:5 which totals at 41 push-ups. I’m very pleased with those results considering what I began with.

Here’s a chart of my results. I had a very interesting dip on the 14th of September, can’t really remember why that is. I should probably try and correlate this with nutritional intake in order to see if I can boost my performance by eating certain types of food.

It just dawned on me. Every successful business have some sort of a business plan. I’m not talking about those overly ambitious ones where everything is staked out in minute details, no not those. What I’m talking about are the business plans that merely describe the outlines of the business, those that give guidelines as to how one should move the business forward in a meaningful way. Attempting to foresee all possible details will make the business very static and not very good at adapting to changing conditions.

I don’t have this kind of plan for my life. Why don’t I? It’s so obvious. If i want to succeed in life I must have a plan that describes, in broad terms, what it is that I want to achieve, where I see myself in 5, 10 or 30 years from now. How could I possibly expect to get anywhere without knowing which direction to go? Exactly, it’s so dead obvious. Though doesn’t comes as a real surprise, I’ve been working on this for the past two years, I’ve never thought of it as a life plan until now. Only now did it become clear to me that I need to write this down, put it on the wall and then start acting upon my grand plan.

Once this plan is written down I’ll share some of it with you, perhaps it can be some inspiration. Do you have a life plan?

I’m an expert at procrastination, although in later years I’ve become much better in recognising procrastination when I ’see’ it. My very special combination of words usually was, and still sometimes is, ‘When I …’. This is a very dangerous combination of words because it removes control from myself and places it into an item, or someone else.

When I get this car I will finally be popular.

When I have one million in my bank account I will be happy.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to work this way. I’m sure we all have these ideas with some alterations in the perceived solution. One of my personal favourites is how efficient I would be once I acquired two computer screens. Boy-oh-boy would I be productive. Finally would I be able to produce all those documents that I for so long had wanted to write, but been hampered by the limited computer desktop space.

Seriously, it’s NOT the desktop space that is the limiting factor. I have these ‘episodes’ quite often and they seem to slip past my procrastination radar all too often. Most recently I got it into my head that having a Mac Book Pro would definitely give me the productivity boost that I so desperately require. Clearly, it will not. It’s not like my three other laptops isn’t good enough… sigh. If I sat down and analysed exactly why I think about a given item I’m confident it would sooner, rather than later, become obvious that I have no need for yet another gadget.

Overcoming the ‘When I’ problem

I’m not quite sure why I believe that these items would somehow make me stop procrastinate and get on with things. Maybe it’s related to some sort of fear for learning more about myself? Learning about my issues regarding self-discipline and self-worth?

Overcoming my ‘When I’ situation is tougher than it may sound. I’ve found much comfort (still am unfortunately) in pushing the real doing into the future waiting for the solution to arrive or magically appear. ‘When I’ is a combination I’ve been using for a long time but I’ve decided to attempt to eliminate this ‘tool’ from my procrastination arsenal.

The following items, listed in no particular order, I believe may be useful when attempting to overcome the ‘bad’ side of procrastination:

• Prioritization (efficient and useful procrastination)
• Questions, questions and questions! (Is this X really going to help me achieve my goals?)
• Honesty

It shouldn’t have to be necessary to revert back into the habit of ‘When I’ when using these tools. Procrastination can be good, if done appropriately… but one has to be careful not to confuse the good with the bad. Let’s see how it all works out. I guess becoming aware of the problem and acknowledging it is step one…

I think I’m pretty good at what I do for a living, but there are always ways to  improve. In a current project that I’m assigned to I’m working as a project manager. I’ll spare you the details of the project as they are rather uninteresting, but I will share one thing with you. How to elicit honest and genuine feedback from your co-workers.

The story

As a person I’m almost always looking for ways to improve my skills, be it social, communication, or anything in between. It is however not entirely trivial to get this feedback from people, or is it? How can I create a situation where my ’subject’ will feel comfortable with telling me exactly what’s on their mind? The answer is rather simple, just ask them but be genuine and honest about your intent. I try and do what I preach. I decided to try this experiment at work.

I began with my own project manager and said I wanted to review my work, and performance so far. In the meeting I asked, that they with no hesitation or worry about ‘hurting’ me should tell me both the good and bad. I emphasised the fact that I can separate personal ‘attack’ from business. There were some good and some bad things. But, when I think about it there really only were  good things. The bad aren’t really bad, they are possibilities to change and improve. After all the purpose of this experiment was for me to learn more about myself. I did the same thing with someone that works in my project. The same thing, there were some good and some bad things.

The intention

One of my original goals with this was to establish more trust. Without trust very little can be achieved. I generally tend to, from the outset of any social contract, decide to trust the person I’m meeting or talking with. I guess to some extent this might be a naive and foolish thing to do, but honestly I feel it’s served me well. Why shouldn’t I? Surely it’s must not be better to distrust a person that I’ve never met? No, I’d much rather immediately trust the person and then let them decide what to do with that implicitly given trust. Of course, they’re not aware of it, but maybe it can be felt, I don’t know.

The results

The great thing about this little experiment was the outcome. Those asked almost seemed relieved to be able to freely speak their mind. I’m sure that they probably held back on some things, me being a crazy nuts and gojiberry eating vegan, but still, they did seem to speak their mind. What I find particularly interesting is that I was actually already aware of the things they mentioned. Oh, and I also didn’t bother trying to make excuses about the bad, but rather just acknowledged what they were saying.

Hopefully more trust was indeed built and by continually asking for feedback perhaps it can only get better? If someone asked me, what I myself have asked them, I think I would have more respect for that person. It shows that the person is not afraid of their potential vulnerabilities and also willing to expose those vulnerabilities. Granted, it’s difficult to be entirely objective in this regard because after all, I did ask these questions from a selfish perspective.

So, concluding, are you asking for it?

It seems as if people invent new rules daily, ironically that’s exactly what I’m about to do. I do however feel this particular rule is a justifiable one that actually makes a difference. If we were to collect all blogposts around the net, specifically those about “Rules”, we’d not have 3, or 5 or 100 rules, we’d have thousands. I’m going to be leaving you with one rule that applies in all situation, that will never fail you, because it’s your rule.

Rule 1: I will always make up my own mind.

This has worked wonders for me. I’m quite happy reading “Rules”-posts, but I will not remember them all, there’s just too many. But what I will remember is this one rule, to always make up my own mind. Perhaps it sounds as if I’m trivializing life in general, and perhaps I am. But whom else but ourselves is to tell us how we lead our lives. No situation is like the other, no other person has had the exact same experiences as you have. We’re completely unique. That’s why we have to have unique rules.

The above rule however, always applies. Sometimes I think to myself: “But how silly is this, always make up my own mind”, I always do that, but then again, no I don’t. In fact most people don’t. Most people sit and wait around for other people to solve their problems, to tell them how to exercise, excel in their career or become a fantastic partner. We’re in charge and that means we have to make up our own minds.

I will always make up my own mind.

For some reason I’ve hesitated writing about this topic, because I’ve felt, well, intimidated or something. In previous posts I’ve hinted, ever so slightly, at having a more ambitious dream than finding a guiding purpose. Perhaps that thing is my guiding purpose? I really don’t know. Any way, I’ll just blurt it out here instead of sitting here typing, erasing, typing… trying to make it sound amazing.

I want to unite thinkers across the globe, to enable the collective power of thought to solve our most eminent and difficult problems. The basic premise behind the idea is to have a portal where problems are shared, worked on, brainstormed, solved … collectively. Today we have universities working on similar problems or doing the same research, but have no effective way of sharing information with each other. There’s no easy way to collaborate.

My solution, which I for now choose to call (for lack of a better description) ‘Communal Collaboration for Distributed Thinking’. It sounds all fancy schmancy, but it’s really nothing spectacular. It’s a way to distributively do problem-solving, amongst a large group of people. My dream would be to have this not only apply to problem-solving but also innovation. I genuinely believe that society will never prosper unless we start acting as connected individuals. Thinking individually is fine, but we need to make the intelligent decision to consciously move towards a thinking where the society as a whole is considered, not only the benefits to one particular individual.

For those of you who have seen Star Trek you might be familiar with the Borgs. They have a superior way of assimilate and distribute the knowledge. Each borg is connected in a big mesh network and information is immediately shared amongst all peers. Each borg is capable of acting upon their own impulses and do their own thinking, but everything is shared with the rest of the hive.

Clearly, I wouldn’t want all human thought to be part of my own thinking, but the idea of sharing knowledge and wisdom without restriction very much appeals to me. A real world scenario of what results this could potentially yield is a natural catastrophe. At almost any such even people are forced to work together and the results are outright amazing. It would seem as if nothing is insurmountable when it comes to collective processing. The scientific community also have this very much ingrained. You share your research because claim to fame here is through your work and the knowledge your share, not how much money you can generate from it.

There is however a problem in reaching this ideal state of mind; ego. Most people are hesitant of sharing, what they consider are their best, ideas because they want to monetize them. Trust me, I’m no better, but I want to change this. I believe there to be no easy way to achieve this, but I would imagine that the first step has to be all about overcoming the way of thinking that ideas must always be monetized. The truth is that most ideas are never communicated to the public in fear of loosing out on it’s money generating effects. These ideas are never acted upon, what a waste!

Instead of encouraging and rewarding knowledge hoarding, we must instead encourages and rewards sharing. This is possible and it’s already happening in the software world where the Open Source movement is making headway in exactly this way, through sharing. Yet there are ample opportunities to make money and a thriving business supporting it exists through various efforts. And it’s all about sharing. To gain popularity you have to give away more, and you’ll generally receive more, it’s that simple.

This is why I have begun building on my portal that I intend on bringing to the world. I’ve started sketching on the blueprint for the architecture, writing documents to describe the idea. In due time I will share with you this whole, to me, very exciting idea. If you already feel this is something that appeals to you, please, let me know and I’d be happy to share with you the idea and everything that I have to say about it.

Whether this is something that can generate money or not, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if it could even support me partially it would be fantastic and if not, tough.

Today I’m having one of those days when motivation and excitement seem to be wearing off. It’s not a fun feeling at all. The good thing is that I’ve recognized the feeling. I’ve been here many times before. This time however I intend on writing down my emotional and mental state, and commit to not giving up. Generally this is the time where I begin to let things slide. Just another day, what difference does it make? Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months…

I have serious issues committing to stuff especially if it is something that I want personally. Whenever it’s for someone but myself I seem to pull through, despite having no motivation. I can’t make other people disappointed in me now can I? But making myself disappointed is apparently nothing I have issues with. Funny that. To be honest, it’s probably due to lack of self-confidence. For a long time I’ve always yearned for external verification of myself. Seeking approval from others. If others approve of my actions and doing, it must be good and hence I must be good.

It’s silly I know, trust me, I know. The hard part is letting go of that mindset. Especially in a society which so highly values external accomplishments more than internal. External such as career, possessions and looks. While internal things such as emotional intelligence, wisdom, knowledge and personal development are shrugged at. Breaking free, allowing oneself to be imperfect is easier said than done. I’ve tried. I spent four months in the deep jungle of Costa Rica where I discovered my desire and/or need for external approval. I vowed to not allow the judgement of others affect me. Yet back in Sweden it didn’t take long before I was yet again seeking approval by those around me, rather than accepting myself for who I am.

Society has a tendency to really cloud ones vision of what truly matters. Personal development can’t be capitalized on as much as fancy cars and cloths. True and authentic development is not granted a lot of space in society. We’re nothing but slaves when it comes down to it. Prostituting ourselves to the highest bidder. It sickens me. Yet I’m part of it and can’t find the strength to escape. I’m happy with the security I have. A good job, great colleagues and a decent salary. I have a house in a beautiful, stunning location. I want to live here. But without my job I couldn’t afford it. I need to transition to something authentic. But what can I provide? What value can I bring to others?

All I want to do is read, learn and share knowledge and wisdom. But how could I possibly derive some sort of income from that and more importantly, how could I make others benefit from my own learning. What could I share that would bring other people but myself value? These are tough questions with no simple and apparent answer. On top of this I have to deal with self-professed experts that overnight became personal coaches and so forth. All because they can throw a couple of useless sentences on a web page. Weee, look at me, 10 easy steps to an awesome life. And on it goes. Guess I could choose to ignore it, but sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the noise in search for the gold.

I’m not really bitter. Perhaps I’m jealous? I don’t think so. It’s probably more sadness than anything. I’m sad that so many people buy into it all. I’ve read many blogs, and have only recently began reading some self-help books. Most of the blogs I’ve read just keep on repeating what others have said before them without even adding a shroud of personality to them. Steve Pavlina is probably the one I feel most connected to. He’s been a programmer, coming from a more logical and analytical perspective but have transitioned from that into who he is today. He’s also vegan (actually he’s raw I think).

His book, which I’m currently reading, have brought mixed emotions. I’m getting towards the end of the book and it’s gotten a lot better. Probably because it’s actually more practically oriented now. All those abstract terms such as communion, oneness, courage and so forth have been translated into actionable items, which for me is much more useful. Still, it has not provided me with all the answers and I guess I shouldn’t really expect that either.

Well, that will have to be enough for today. It’s time for dinner and such. But hopefully by writing this down I’ve committed to continuing blogging, writing and learning and not allowing my self-doubt get the upper hand.

With love,
Christoffer

There are a lot of things I would like to say right now. I can’t quite figure out how to begin. So much to learn, so much to understand. It’s overwhelming. I also feel I’ve been trying to hard. Trying to hard to appeal to my readers, despite saying I was writing this for myself. In some sense I’ve disregarded my very purpose of this blog, all in an attempt to appear authoritative and knowledgeable. Fact is, I’m neither. I certainly want to be, but right now I’m not.

It’s like a sincerity struggle. I’m afraid of showing the world who I really am. A lost soul. Someone who really have no idea of where to go and what to do next. I find comfort in reading about science, because it gives me an excuse to not look at my core. Instead I abstract away details into components, as to avoid having to deal with the bigger picture.

A cell is harmless. But the combination of cells, my body, my mind. That’s scary to try and understand. It doesn’t really matter how it’s composed, I’ve still got all these conflicting feelings inside of me, that I can’t seem to let out. I do crave a deeper understanding of myself, and I can’t leave myself to the abstract terminology “self-helpers” tend to use. Truth and love this. Honesty and sincerity that. Oneness, wholeness, soul and blah blah blah… It’s too abstract. It doesn’t help me. People keep repeating it, each time with different meaning.

I’m angry. Frustrated and confused. Why is it so difficult? I want to cry. I’m crying. It’s liberating, I like my tears. I really am crying. Not loudly, but still. I want to be genuinely happy. Not through monetary gains, not through external verification of my being. I want to be happy when viewed through my own eyes, or when staring at myself through a mirror.

I want to write. I want to learn. I want to share with you the wonderful world. But I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to put the words in to coherent, honest sentences. I don’t want to be the person that claims to be something I’m not. Yet that’s what I’m already doing. I want to write as if it was me speaking to you, as a friend. Not as a teacher. How can I do this? How can I make neuroscience interesting for others? How can I make this my life. How can I have abundance in life, through this? Would anyone read it? Why would they bother?

I’m conflicted. I’m hungry… I need to eat. I’m lost for words. Please forgive me.

When I decided to embark upon this journey I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from making it public. Even though I began this search many years ago, to a certain extent, I didn’t quite expect the reactions I’ve already gotten. Certainly I appreciate that people want the best for me, sure. But why would people be afraid of someone wanting to attain a deeper and more fundamental understanding of oneself? Maybe I’m not “getting” what people are trying to tell me.

But I must ask, why wouldn’t I want to find a guiding purpose? What’s the difference between what I’m doing and an established religion? Would I get the same reactions had I converted to an existing faith? Doubt it. Straying from, or questioning, the known and accepted is almost always taboo it seems. I can understand that big corporations would want us to conform and fall in line, because they certainly do not benefit from having their products usefulness questioned. But why aren’t more of my fellow humans asking if there is a better way to live life?

All I’m trying to do is find a way of life which can give myself and as many other the most meaning.

Working towards a purpose…

Seeking purpose (by flickr/zedzap)

To live graciously, consciously and to extend love and compassion towards all living beings. This is what I’m talking about, a guiding purpose. Living by this would grant meaning to my actions as long as they resonate with this purpose. Why would anyone be afraid of finding something this, or not want others to find it? Granted, in our current western society we value so many strange things such as physical appearance and money. The social conditioning we are exposed to each day is certainly not a weak force, but we also have the power to say, no thanks.

Perhaps what we need is a global adoption of a new value system, one which does not rely on scarcity and goods. Certainly a noble goal, but what is required for something like this? A start would be to ask more questions, and share with each other our conclusions. The Internet has certainly helped to propel the speed at which we can exchange ideas to unimaginable levels. As humans we now have an opportunity to support, help and nurture each other like never before.

A society built upon those values, how wonderfully beautiful.

… and breaking free

Depending on to what extent one has been exposed to societal conditioning the effort required to break free may be greater for some. That doesn’t mean that it’s too late to give up. I do realize that for some people it might be extremely hard to allow the mind to break free from the mental prison they’re in. However, if a person can summon the strength to even just imagine a better life, there is potential. A person that can’t even muster, or is unwilling, to do so is doomed to remain imprisoned.

Having only the will to break free is not enough, one will need to put that intention into action. This may require one to leave friends and family behind, an abusive husband or wife, or an uninspiring job. It may require significant changes to established habits and disregard of previous experiences. The key I believe, if possible, is to make very small adjustments to ones life instead of going all out. The required determination and self-discipline to completely turn around a bad habit is substantial. Attempting to change everything at once is likely doomed to fail. I for one have a problem with committing to big changes, but have found that doing it incrementally work much better.

The result?

Imagine if everyone sought out, or created, their own guiding purpose. Living in harmony with neighbours, sharing wisdom and knowledge without thought of selfishness. Now there is a world I wouldn’t mind living in.