Maybe you’ve seen the movie ‘Click’ with Adam Sandler where he gets a universal remote for his life. He can choose at will to fast forward through ‘boring’ parts of but a consequences is that each time this particular ‘event’ occurs it will be automatically fast forwarded through again. Anyhow, I wasn’t planning on writing a review of it, but rather a feature of the remote, ‘Pause’.

Pausing is very powerful indeed. It will allow us to quickly run to the bathroom in the middle of a movie, make some more popcorn or perhaps just readjust the pillows for better comfort. But, I wasn’t actually thinking of the actual ‘Pause’ feature of most entertainment systems, but rather the pause button of life, yes there is one!

I spend far to little time pausing my life to just breath, relax and observe my surroundings. In the huzzle-buzzle of life, working a 9-5 job, getting consumed by doing is all to easy unfortunately. This is when it gets even more important to actually stop, put down the pen, remove oneself from the computer, make some tea, wrap oneself in a blanket and go sit outside and be quiet for a few minutes.

The sad thing is that each time I do this I get equally surprised at how calming, and nurturing it is, yet I only do it once in a while. It should be mandatory, just like having breakfast or breathing. Johanna and I have for the past two weekends spent at least an hour on our porch having breakfast and watching the sun climb the sky. It’s beautiful and utterly relaxing. I realize that we’re so very fortunate now with our new house in the countryside, but it hasn’t always been like this.

I can’t recall many days, before we got the house, where I just sat outside doing nothing. Having been on the move for the last 6-7 years, seeking a home, it has been nothing but unsettling and quite mentally draining. I could have benefited from pausing more often to appreciate the things I have and calm myself down.

That’s why I will attempt to spend more time doing nothing, pausing life to allow myself to be grounded and appreciate my current situation for what it is and what I have. I wouldn’t want to become the person that looks back at his life only to remember working and stressing about this and that.

Now I’m off for my morning walk.

I’m currently reading a book on software development practices. It’s not a regular book about the boring old, regular process. (Software requirements, use-cases and all that boring shit.) But, I will not bore you with the details, I just wanted to share something I realized while reading. While I’m sitting here reading about their approach to software development I can’t help but notice how extremely relevant this is for life in general. Read this (my notes):

• Create a clear vision
• Fuck the details, get the stuff working
• Don’t deal with problems that doesn’t yet exist
• Don’t try and please everyone
• Focus on the absolute minimum, features can come later
• Essentials only, cut the crap
• Better be a no-man, than a yes-man (Perhaps not applicable to all, but certainly to some!)
• Make only promises I can actually keep
• Iterative development is key

See what I mean? Pretty much all of these (except for, you know which one) are totally applicable to life. Take ‘Fuck the details, get the stuff working’. I could definitely use some of this in my life. How often do I find myself obsessing about details, when all I should focus on is to actually get something done. It’s almost laughable how often I do this. Details, details, details…

‘Essentials only, cut the crap’, another good one. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with all the stuff I have in my house, and it’s distracting. These days, since having become aware of the problem, I make an effort into telling myself no, especially when it comes to ‘getting stuff’. Thinking in terms of ‘Essentials only, cut the crap’ isn’t exactly bad advice.

My favourite is probably ‘Iterative development is key’. This really is true for life. Don’t try and design and figure out life in one go, it will never, ever go the way it was ‘supposed’ to. It’s much better to start doing something, anything, then make small adjustments through an iterative process. Trying to get rid of a bad habit? Iterative development! Do it in stages. Don’t try and do it all at once… do it iteratively, one small piece at a time. Trying to learn how to paint? Don’t bother with getting amazing results the first time, it won’t happen (definitely not for me anyway). Iterate, one stroke at a time until you reach some results, they may not be the desired results, but they are results nonetheless.

If you’re interested in reading the book yourself, you can find it here.

It has not been many weeks since I wrote a post about friendship. Since then I’ve not been able to stop thinking about what friendship really is. When does someone become your friend? Have I been communicating an all to serious message about what friendship means to me? Why have I done that? I’m an extremely easy-going person, yet I put high demands on a friendship?

A part of me feel as if I’ve been wasting time. Wasting time not doing “important” things. I will not elaborate further or attempt to define “important” because your definition will be different from mine. However, I feel that my previous friendships have been something that I no longer desire. I’m not saying, not at all, that previous friendships have been pointless, that would be very foolish indeed. All that I’m saying is that they are different and do not represent what I think I want now.

A couple of weeks ago I spent two days in a conference with my colleagues from work, it was great fun. Some of us stayed up until late and spoke about everything between heaven and earth. I revealed my ideal friendship. They were somewhat taken aback by my “demands”. It got me thinking, am I putting unreasonable demands on people in order for me to call them my friends? Very likely.

Since I’ve never really known who I am, or what I want to become, I’ve put on a mask, pretending to be something I’m really not. If I’m being completely authentic and genuine when meeting people it should be fairly obvious who is compatible with me and who is not. I’ve noticed that whenever I meet new people I don’t act like myself. I become stiff, more rigid and held back. On the surface I might seem like a confident person, but on the inside I’m very insecure and not confident at all. I generally never quite allow myself to be who I am in fear of not being liked. Seriously Christoffer, what are you doing? Why would I want to be friends with those who will not accept me for who I am, now, today? Surely I shouldn’t have to pretend to be someone and only gradually introduce myself? What a waste of time!

Could I consider a person I meet on the street my friend? Why the hell not? No one can tell me it doesn’t count and that the person with whom I’ve only spent 5 minutes is not my friend. Maybe those 5 minutes was all that I need, we became friends. Why should 5 years be considered more valuable than those 5 minutes? Perhaps those 5 minutes changed my life, yet the 5 years have been nothing but detrimental and useless? It’s so easy to consider time to be a definition for the amount of generated good. For some things this might be applicable and time might be a good reference of quality, but not always.

If I decide to spend an hour painting, for that hour I’m an artist. Next I might be a poet, or a musician. The same goes for friendships, right? For those 5 minutes that we spend speaking completely authentically to each other, we are friends. We may never see each other again, but why should that matter? 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 years, it really shouldn’t matter. What matters is the authenticity of those minutes, hours or years. Every minute spent living non authentically is a minute I deprive my fellow human beings of my greatest gifts; compassion, understanding and authenticity.

For each day I will attempt to spend at least 5 minutes of my undivided attention to the things that truly matters. That is the greatest gift I can give.

I’ve previously mentioned that I feel as if I’m quite different from most people. I don’t typically think or act like others. We’re all different to a certain extent and should of course be considered unique. But I consider myself to be more different than others. That might seem fairly self-absorbed, and it is. But so what? Why do you care? When I write this I almost feel offended. I tell myself “Who do you think you are? Trying to be so different and all.” I, myself, am almost being angry at myself for being different.

I’m not by a long stretch the smartest out there, definitely not the most social either. What exactly it is that compels me to this sort of life I don’t know, but it allows for some very interesting perspectives on life. It’s both a blessing and a curse to think differently. A blessing because I allow myself to view things from different perspectives. It’s more difficult to do this than to follow the established rules of problem-solving but generally worth it. A great thinker will not be bound by the implicit rules imposed by others.

A curse because you’re almost always on your own. It could be that many people think like me, but choosing to not fully acknowledging what they feel, they will instead try to fit in, adapting and changing themselves to seem more … neighbourly. I’m trying to remember this brilliant quote, but can’t quite find the words but I’ll make an attempt either way. (Found it, decided to do a google!)

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken” by Oscar Wilde

I would dare to say however that most people don’t attempt to be themselves, but rather someone else. Anyways, I realize I wanted to talk about why being different is awesome. This is another curse of mine; I can’t keep focus on one thing I often seem to drift of into other thoughts.

Being different is awesome because it allows you to think outside the box. It enables you to approach problems in new ways because you’re not held back by old thinking patterns. Everyone can learn to be like this. But it’s not without consequences. It will undoubtedly lead to the questioning of established habits and this is not always a pleasant.

However; thinking differently is not enough and will get you nowhere. It is only when you put your thoughts into actions that they become real. This is the hard part. There are plenty of things I struggle with, especially being true to myself in every situation. The day I can speak my mind without worrying about consequences is a day I look forward to. It has not come yet, but I would like to believe I’m making small steps in the right direction.

About a month ago I decided to finally take charge of my life (for real this time) and decide what my future should be. No longer would I accept that anyone but me would control my actions. It has been a lot tougher than I imagined. Allowing oneself to truly think about what matters, what really matters is difficult. It has been somewhat earth-shattering for me, well okay, not that bad. The thing is that what I previously thought about myself seem to not be true. The things I always believed to be true, might not be.

For as long as I can remember I’ve been studying outside of work to excel at my job. I’ve been using my free time to read books about work-related stuff. I thought, this is what I’m supposed to do. Thing is, work is not me, at least not ALL of me. It’s the easy path, the one on which I know what to do. The road is paved, it’s straight and easy to follow. Sometimes it’s easy to “drive” past all those potential exits because one is so caught up in doing work. Isn’t that sad? I think so.

So about a month ago I  decided to actually start reading, and learning about myself (the blog was part of that quest). I’m not devouring everything about personal development, but rather carefully testing the waters to see which people I can relate to and believe in. Personal development certainly is a crowded business with lots of self-professed experts. I’ve discovered a few things that I seem quite passionate about, even though I have little practical experience working with them. Broadly they can be categorized as ‘Innovation’ and ‘Problem solving’.

To me, innovation is simply something that improves upon a certain idea, making it somewhat better in one aspect or more. Revolutionary innovation would be something completely new, never done before. Such as when the MRI-scanner came about. It gave us a completely new perspective on our minds, and we can now tell much, much more about how our brain and mind function.

Problem-solving is not necessarily innovation, but it usually is. You have a problem, and no tools or processes are available to solve it. A solution would, in my book, constitute some sort of innovation. I love problem-solving.

I’m getting carried away here. Let me get back on topic. Thinking, and being yourself. There isn’t much room for that unfortunately. We must comply with certain dress codes, implicit rules of conversation (especially in client facing situations). If someone asks you how you are doing ,they’re generally not interested (most of the time), you’re supposed to give the implicit answer, “Thanks fine, you?”. Boring. When someone asks me how I am doing, I generally tend to spill my life story, to their big detriment, HA!

I had a conversation with a colleague from work about this, he said that: “Well, you’re a consultant, your job is to make-pretend” I thought that was so sad. I don’t want to make pretend, I want to tell the customer the truth, not be forced to tell some lullaby about how great everything is, will be etc. I’m quite saddened that there is so little room for honesty and genuity. In some regards I actually enjoy the work I do, but not all the time. But it pains me that I can never truly be myself, because I’m not supposed to.

It seems as if people invent new rules daily, ironically that’s exactly what I’m about to do. I do however feel this particular rule is a justifiable one that actually makes a difference. If we were to collect all blogposts around the net, specifically those about “Rules”, we’d not have 3, or 5 or 100 rules, we’d have thousands. I’m going to be leaving you with one rule that applies in all situation, that will never fail you, because it’s your rule.

Rule 1: I will always make up my own mind.

This has worked wonders for me. I’m quite happy reading “Rules”-posts, but I will not remember them all, there’s just too many. But what I will remember is this one rule, to always make up my own mind. Perhaps it sounds as if I’m trivializing life in general, and perhaps I am. But whom else but ourselves is to tell us how we lead our lives. No situation is like the other, no other person has had the exact same experiences as you have. We’re completely unique. That’s why we have to have unique rules.

The above rule however, always applies. Sometimes I think to myself: “But how silly is this, always make up my own mind”, I always do that, but then again, no I don’t. In fact most people don’t. Most people sit and wait around for other people to solve their problems, to tell them how to exercise, excel in their career or become a fantastic partner. We’re in charge and that means we have to make up our own minds.

I will always make up my own mind.