Today I’m having one of those days when motivation and excitement seem to be wearing off. It’s not a fun feeling at all. The good thing is that I’ve recognized the feeling. I’ve been here many times before. This time however I intend on writing down my emotional and mental state, and commit to not giving up. Generally this is the time where I begin to let things slide. Just another day, what difference does it make? Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months…

I have serious issues committing to stuff especially if it is something that I want personally. Whenever it’s for someone but myself I seem to pull through, despite having no motivation. I can’t make other people disappointed in me now can I? But making myself disappointed is apparently nothing I have issues with. Funny that. To be honest, it’s probably due to lack of self-confidence. For a long time I’ve always yearned for external verification of myself. Seeking approval from others. If others approve of my actions and doing, it must be good and hence I must be good.

It’s silly I know, trust me, I know. The hard part is letting go of that mindset. Especially in a society which so highly values external accomplishments more than internal. External such as career, possessions and looks. While internal things such as emotional intelligence, wisdom, knowledge and personal development are shrugged at. Breaking free, allowing oneself to be imperfect is easier said than done. I’ve tried. I spent four months in the deep jungle of Costa Rica where I discovered my desire and/or need for external approval. I vowed to not allow the judgement of others affect me. Yet back in Sweden it didn’t take long before I was yet again seeking approval by those around me, rather than accepting myself for who I am.

Society has a tendency to really cloud ones vision of what truly matters. Personal development can’t be capitalized on as much as fancy cars and cloths. True and authentic development is not granted a lot of space in society. We’re nothing but slaves when it comes down to it. Prostituting ourselves to the highest bidder. It sickens me. Yet I’m part of it and can’t find the strength to escape. I’m happy with the security I have. A good job, great colleagues and a decent salary. I have a house in a beautiful, stunning location. I want to live here. But without my job I couldn’t afford it. I need to transition to something authentic. But what can I provide? What value can I bring to others?

All I want to do is read, learn and share knowledge and wisdom. But how could I possibly derive some sort of income from that and more importantly, how could I make others benefit from my own learning. What could I share that would bring other people but myself value? These are tough questions with no simple and apparent answer. On top of this I have to deal with self-professed experts that overnight became personal coaches and so forth. All because they can throw a couple of useless sentences on a web page. Weee, look at me, 10 easy steps to an awesome life. And on it goes. Guess I could choose to ignore it, but sometimes it’s difficult to avoid the noise in search for the gold.

I’m not really bitter. Perhaps I’m jealous? I don’t think so. It’s probably more sadness than anything. I’m sad that so many people buy into it all. I’ve read many blogs, and have only recently began reading some self-help books. Most of the blogs I’ve read just keep on repeating what others have said before them without even adding a shroud of personality to them. Steve Pavlina is probably the one I feel most connected to. He’s been a programmer, coming from a more logical and analytical perspective but have transitioned from that into who he is today. He’s also vegan (actually he’s raw I think).

His book, which I’m currently reading, have brought mixed emotions. I’m getting towards the end of the book and it’s gotten a lot better. Probably because it’s actually more practically oriented now. All those abstract terms such as communion, oneness, courage and so forth have been translated into actionable items, which for me is much more useful. Still, it has not provided me with all the answers and I guess I shouldn’t really expect that either.

Well, that will have to be enough for today. It’s time for dinner and such. But hopefully by writing this down I’ve committed to continuing blogging, writing and learning and not allowing my self-doubt get the upper hand.

With love,
Christoffer