Warning: This is a somewhat long post, (t)read carefully!

Throughout my teens I was more often alone than with friends, not necessarily in a bad way, but still, I was often doing things on my own. A few of these “early” friends remained throughout my later teens, but after finishing school (upper secondary) that number seemed to rapidly diminish. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some regards I feel as if I should have made a much more serious attempt at keeping them, but … I didn’t.

A few years into the future, after having attempted my luck as an actor/model in the US (haha, no, it didn’t work out, but more about that another time). I came back to Sweden and decided to try and rectify my lousy grades. A year later I had managed to improve them enough to get into uni. That lasted a year, with a successfully completed course in java-programming. I did choose this university because I had some “old” friends down here. I was thrilled to study because I would be able to hang out with them. They were already a few years into their studies as I had been to the US and then “lost” one year improving my grades.

Unfortunately I never managed to “induce” the same feeling I had during my earlier years with them. It was as if we’d already grown apart, yet again I felt the strong sensation I should make more of an effort. I did, and continued even after eventually leaving my failed attempt at attending university. The effort however was only one way, never reciprocated. Another year went by and having decided to leave my then very uninspiring job, Johanna and I went to the deep jungle of Costa Rica. During this trip I finally decided to put the remaining friendships into the fire of transformation.

Bestfriends

I broke up with those I had for a long time considered friends. The result was a long email to those I still cared enough for to let them know about my decision. The idea was that you would break up with a partner, so why not friends? It was met with surprised, anger and even understanding. It felt good. I have many times questioned the decision, but it still remains firm within me as the correct decision. In order to make room for new you have to leave the old behind they say. I find that actually applies. I have however not managed to make any new friends.

Sure I’ve got colleagues at work, and I can chat with them. But it’s not like we’re hanging out after work hours, not at all. It’s a probably a very typical work-kind-of relationship. Lately I’ve begun to wonder whether I’m a bit too weird for people to handle. I do not conform to the ideals of society. Okay, that’s not entirely true as I still live a life which on the outside may very much look like a normal life. Inside however I’m struggling with coping in this extremely superficial and shallow world. I can’t help but wonder though, will I ever make any real friends that share my quirky perspective?

For quite some years now I’ve been a solo creature, besides my beautiful girlfriend. To a certain extent I enjoy my solitude, free from social contracts and what not. Yet I long for deeper and more meaningful friendships for all that they are supposed to be. Someone but your partner to share stories with, to rely on, and cry with. It’s been a very long time since I had a close friend. Someone who would know all my inner secrets. Perhaps this does not exist, but I wouldn’t mind having such a friend, or two.

I’m not entirely sure how I would define friendship, but after having spent a good amount of years primarily alone (again beside my darling girlfriend) I’m starting to crave more social interaction. But I don’t want it just for the sake of it. It needs to mean something, to bring something beside comfort. Perhaps it’s just supposed to be laughter, I don’t know. What I don’t want is the expectation of now having to socialize all the time. I needs to be a non-binding kind of thing. No expectations kind of thing.

Perhaps I’m doomed to be alone? I don’t think so really, certainly hope not. I could make friends if I wanted to. It’s not like I can adapt to pretty much any social situation, and I’m great at that. I just can’t bare to do it because it feels pointless and non authentic. I don’t want any conversation to begin with. How was your weekend? Nice party eh? Oh, great weather by the way.

A lasting friendship

I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than having to share those awkward, completely useless, conversations with anyone. I would want every conversation, okay, almost every conversation, to stimulate and provoke thoughts and ideas. An influx of new thinking. It might be too much to ask, but if that’s true, I guess I’m not ready to have friends. I want to maximize my time and waste as little as possible of it. Having friends that just want social interaction and nothing else will be much better served by not knowing me and I them.

Harsh? Perhaps. True? Yes, at least for me. Mostly this all stems from the fact that I’m tired of wasting my time. I want my life to be defined by meaning and purpose, not by the amount of friends I have on my Facebook or Twitter-list. I’m not saying friends are pointless, not at all. I’m just trying to find out what a friend means to me. Of course I would love to share laughter with a group of friends. But it would need to be a friendship based on mutual “usefulness”. I know how that sounds. Terrible, I know. But why the hell not? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to put demands on the people I socialize with?

Just like I wouldn’t pick any job, why should I choose friends as if they were disposable and easily replaced by another? No. I very much prefer quality over quantity. Currently this is not working to my benefit (seeing as I have no friends that I regularly socialize with), but then so be it. Friends or no friends. If having them meant it was only based out of social conditioning, I’d rather have none.

I’d rather have one genuine and true friendship than a thousand with no authenticity.

Starting this blog was done with the intention of documenting my journey in understanding myself and figuring out “what I’m supposed to do“. Chronologically however this blog does not signify the very beginning of my journey, for that I must go back roughly 7 years, early summer 2002. It all began with a simple question (which I’m now all too familiar with):

But where do you get your protein?

Pitted against this person who dared to question one of my most deeply rooted beliefs, diet. Well, it was actually me who questioned her choice of silly food. She was a vegetarian. Ha! Puny human, had  she not yet understood that we’re made to eat meat, blood and gore? It’s what we’ve always done. Clearly I would have her climb down her high horse in a matter of minutes. Obviously she’s wrong. Our teeth are made to eat meat. And where would she get her iron and protein from? Vegetables? Like carrots or something? Ha!

So I asked. She replied. I was confused. Who was this person? How dare she respond with logic, reasoning and worst of all, facts. I asked some more leading questions. Again she replied. But what the… ? Could she just please stop answering my questions, I’m right, she’s wrong, doesn’t she understand that? Apparently not. This continued for a while. My fellow comrades joined in on the war. Victory shall be ours. Only a matter of time…

Trying to argue about something I really didn’t know much about eventually left me with no other option but to, argh, surrender, and admit she might perhaps know a thing or two about this nutrition stuff. Nutrition? Ha, men don’t need nutr… yes, we do. For the first time in my life, I had been attacked. My very core had been attacked. I was semi-hurt. The hurt ego did however not last long.

This encounter is still what I consider my awakening. The moment where I became aware of the fact that some of my dearly held beliefs might not actually be my own.

The awakening…

Awakening (by flickr/fmc.nikon.d40)

Naturally, diet became one the first thing I began to question. What am I eating? What are the consequences? How does it affect me? How does it affect my surroundings? The environment? My fellow humans? There were so many questions I suddenly felt I needed an answer. Why had I never questioned this fundamental belief ever before, until now?

It took a little less than a year before deciding to make the switch, I stopped eating all forms of animal derived meat. This would turn out to be one of those life-changing decisions which has brought both good and bad things. The good is that it opened my eyes and I began to see the world from a different perspective, it completely changed me. The bad thing is that people are mostly completely ignorant or unwilling to understand the reasoning behind the decision. Dealing with this ignorance has been by far the toughest thing, but it has eased over the years. I’m now completely vegan, which means eating nothing which is derived from animals.

I had become aware of the fact that my actions have consequences. I had been forced to look beyond me, and see the bigger picture. I had awakened.

… what else is there to question?

For a long time very little was questioned. While the diet-decision had certainly opened my eyes, it had been quite draining on my what I thought to be superman powers, but apparently I didn’t have super powers. For many years I had to constantly defend the choice I had made and this somewhat prevented me from making progress in other areas of my life. Perhaps an excuse, but looking back and thinking about it, it’s what it feels like.

In 2007 I had finally decided that enough is enough and that my employer had to go. I quit my job. But, another job awaited me in the jungle of Costa Rica. Before starting my job as a network- and systems engineer I spent about 5 weeks on the Caribbean coast in a small town called Puerto Viejo. Spending 5 weeks doing pretty much nothing besides lying on a beach, or a hammock, eating locally made chocolate and drinking ice-cold baby coconut juice you have time to think about a lot.

What else is there? (by flickr/fontplaydotcom)

During my time there I came to the conclusion I had to break up with some old friends from school. I had begun to question what I gained from attempting to maintain some sort of connection to them. Throughout the later years it was a pretty much uni-directional form of communication. Little effort on their behalf was made to stay in touch and I had begun to resent them for it. Valuing the friendship I had had with them I decided that the proper thing to do would be to honor them by breaking up. Why not? I would break up with a girlfriend, why not a friend?

So I composed a letter (electronic) which I sent to all of them. The reactions were mixed, some expected, some unexpected. It felt strange, but somewhat liberating. I often think back at what I did, and whether or not it was the right thing to do. Sometimes I miss them. Or actually, more accurately, sometimes I miss the person I was back then. Life was easier. We drank a lot and I pretended to be someone I really wasn’t. Eventually I leave that part of me behind to give room for new experiences. Life changes.

The end

Perhaps you’re curious who this “evil” person was that set me on the path of vegetarian and eventually vegan. Her name is Johanna and has been my precious love for now 7 years. She is ultimately responsible for my awakening, and the journey upon which I have now embarked. I’m endlessly greatful for the gift she gave me that faithful day 7 1/2 years ago. Thank you Johanna for being in my life and supporting me on this journey, where ever it may take me.

Yours always, Christoffer.