Warning: This is a somewhat long post, (t)read carefully!

Throughout my teens I was more often alone than with friends, not necessarily in a bad way, but still, I was often doing things on my own. A few of these “early” friends remained throughout my later teens, but after finishing school (upper secondary) that number seemed to rapidly diminish. I’m not sure how I feel about that. In some regards I feel as if I should have made a much more serious attempt at keeping them, but … I didn’t.

A few years into the future, after having attempted my luck as an actor/model in the US (haha, no, it didn’t work out, but more about that another time). I came back to Sweden and decided to try and rectify my lousy grades. A year later I had managed to improve them enough to get into uni. That lasted a year, with a successfully completed course in java-programming. I did choose this university because I had some “old” friends down here. I was thrilled to study because I would be able to hang out with them. They were already a few years into their studies as I had been to the US and then “lost” one year improving my grades.

Unfortunately I never managed to “induce” the same feeling I had during my earlier years with them. It was as if we’d already grown apart, yet again I felt the strong sensation I should make more of an effort. I did, and continued even after eventually leaving my failed attempt at attending university. The effort however was only one way, never reciprocated. Another year went by and having decided to leave my then very uninspiring job, Johanna and I went to the deep jungle of Costa Rica. During this trip I finally decided to put the remaining friendships into the fire of transformation.

Bestfriends

I broke up with those I had for a long time considered friends. The result was a long email to those I still cared enough for to let them know about my decision. The idea was that you would break up with a partner, so why not friends? It was met with surprised, anger and even understanding. It felt good. I have many times questioned the decision, but it still remains firm within me as the correct decision. In order to make room for new you have to leave the old behind they say. I find that actually applies. I have however not managed to make any new friends.

Sure I’ve got colleagues at work, and I can chat with them. But it’s not like we’re hanging out after work hours, not at all. It’s a probably a very typical work-kind-of relationship. Lately I’ve begun to wonder whether I’m a bit too weird for people to handle. I do not conform to the ideals of society. Okay, that’s not entirely true as I still live a life which on the outside may very much look like a normal life. Inside however I’m struggling with coping in this extremely superficial and shallow world. I can’t help but wonder though, will I ever make any real friends that share my quirky perspective?

For quite some years now I’ve been a solo creature, besides my beautiful girlfriend. To a certain extent I enjoy my solitude, free from social contracts and what not. Yet I long for deeper and more meaningful friendships for all that they are supposed to be. Someone but your partner to share stories with, to rely on, and cry with. It’s been a very long time since I had a close friend. Someone who would know all my inner secrets. Perhaps this does not exist, but I wouldn’t mind having such a friend, or two.

I’m not entirely sure how I would define friendship, but after having spent a good amount of years primarily alone (again beside my darling girlfriend) I’m starting to crave more social interaction. But I don’t want it just for the sake of it. It needs to mean something, to bring something beside comfort. Perhaps it’s just supposed to be laughter, I don’t know. What I don’t want is the expectation of now having to socialize all the time. I needs to be a non-binding kind of thing. No expectations kind of thing.

Perhaps I’m doomed to be alone? I don’t think so really, certainly hope not. I could make friends if I wanted to. It’s not like I can adapt to pretty much any social situation, and I’m great at that. I just can’t bare to do it because it feels pointless and non authentic. I don’t want any conversation to begin with. How was your weekend? Nice party eh? Oh, great weather by the way.

A lasting friendship

I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than having to share those awkward, completely useless, conversations with anyone. I would want every conversation, okay, almost every conversation, to stimulate and provoke thoughts and ideas. An influx of new thinking. It might be too much to ask, but if that’s true, I guess I’m not ready to have friends. I want to maximize my time and waste as little as possible of it. Having friends that just want social interaction and nothing else will be much better served by not knowing me and I them.

Harsh? Perhaps. True? Yes, at least for me. Mostly this all stems from the fact that I’m tired of wasting my time. I want my life to be defined by meaning and purpose, not by the amount of friends I have on my Facebook or Twitter-list. I’m not saying friends are pointless, not at all. I’m just trying to find out what a friend means to me. Of course I would love to share laughter with a group of friends. But it would need to be a friendship based on mutual “usefulness”. I know how that sounds. Terrible, I know. But why the hell not? Why shouldn’t I be allowed to put demands on the people I socialize with?

Just like I wouldn’t pick any job, why should I choose friends as if they were disposable and easily replaced by another? No. I very much prefer quality over quantity. Currently this is not working to my benefit (seeing as I have no friends that I regularly socialize with), but then so be it. Friends or no friends. If having them meant it was only based out of social conditioning, I’d rather have none.

I’d rather have one genuine and true friendship than a thousand with no authenticity.

When I decided to embark upon this journey I wasn’t quite sure what to expect from making it public. Even though I began this search many years ago, to a certain extent, I didn’t quite expect the reactions I’ve already gotten. Certainly I appreciate that people want the best for me, sure. But why would people be afraid of someone wanting to attain a deeper and more fundamental understanding of oneself? Maybe I’m not “getting” what people are trying to tell me.

But I must ask, why wouldn’t I want to find a guiding purpose? What’s the difference between what I’m doing and an established religion? Would I get the same reactions had I converted to an existing faith? Doubt it. Straying from, or questioning, the known and accepted is almost always taboo it seems. I can understand that big corporations would want us to conform and fall in line, because they certainly do not benefit from having their products usefulness questioned. But why aren’t more of my fellow humans asking if there is a better way to live life?

All I’m trying to do is find a way of life which can give myself and as many other the most meaning.

Working towards a purpose…

Seeking purpose (by flickr/zedzap)

To live graciously, consciously and to extend love and compassion towards all living beings. This is what I’m talking about, a guiding purpose. Living by this would grant meaning to my actions as long as they resonate with this purpose. Why would anyone be afraid of finding something this, or not want others to find it? Granted, in our current western society we value so many strange things such as physical appearance and money. The social conditioning we are exposed to each day is certainly not a weak force, but we also have the power to say, no thanks.

Perhaps what we need is a global adoption of a new value system, one which does not rely on scarcity and goods. Certainly a noble goal, but what is required for something like this? A start would be to ask more questions, and share with each other our conclusions. The Internet has certainly helped to propel the speed at which we can exchange ideas to unimaginable levels. As humans we now have an opportunity to support, help and nurture each other like never before.

A society built upon those values, how wonderfully beautiful.

… and breaking free

Depending on to what extent one has been exposed to societal conditioning the effort required to break free may be greater for some. That doesn’t mean that it’s too late to give up. I do realize that for some people it might be extremely hard to allow the mind to break free from the mental prison they’re in. However, if a person can summon the strength to even just imagine a better life, there is potential. A person that can’t even muster, or is unwilling, to do so is doomed to remain imprisoned.

Having only the will to break free is not enough, one will need to put that intention into action. This may require one to leave friends and family behind, an abusive husband or wife, or an uninspiring job. It may require significant changes to established habits and disregard of previous experiences. The key I believe, if possible, is to make very small adjustments to ones life instead of going all out. The required determination and self-discipline to completely turn around a bad habit is substantial. Attempting to change everything at once is likely doomed to fail. I for one have a problem with committing to big changes, but have found that doing it incrementally work much better.

The result?

Imagine if everyone sought out, or created, their own guiding purpose. Living in harmony with neighbours, sharing wisdom and knowledge without thought of selfishness. Now there is a world I wouldn’t mind living in.